So lately I've been trying to be more attentive (and therefor cautious) with my mouth.
I like to let people know when they're taking advantage of someone weaker, acting rude, impolite, insolent, out of line, that kinda thing. For obvious reasons, this isn't always okay, hardly ever appropriate. So, I'm working on it.
And I had a really good week until today.
I just wasn't thinking.
It's some subconscious thing that I just slip into without even giving it a second thought. hehe oops.
So it all started when I was being rather polite while driving today.
You get a 50/50 chance of me being nice while driving so I figure that it's a bono for the person who is on the receiving end of my hardwork.
This dude was trying to take a left out of a gas station on a busy two lane road. So I stop leaving ample room, allowing dude to take his otherwise impossible left turn. He's got his hat all tilted to the side, he's leanin back in his seat with just one hand up on the top of the steering wheel, swearin he's hard. He pulls outta the gas station with his window down and doesn't even cast a glance at the kind person who enabled him to drive in a forward motion that would be me. So, since my window was down, I figured that he might need to be reminded to use his manners when people act kindly towards him. As his window passed my window, it went something like this:
"YOU'RE WELCOME!!!" I shouted at him, as ugly and sarcastic as I could make my voice. As soon as it popped out, I knew that I shouldn't have. His behavior wasn't going to change because I yelled at him. He was probably just thinking, 'That's right you @$#%$%&,' as he went on his hardcore way.
It's so dang tempting for me to want to verbally right what I see as other peoples wrongs. But mostly, I want for them to know that I'm no naive little white girl that they can just walk all over. And for some strange reason, Jesus just won't let me alone on this one. He keeps reminding me that my job isn't to out-ghetto rude people. My job is to submit to the high King Himself.
Why is this one so hard for me to release? Why is it so hard to submit to others even when they're wrong? To let them think that I might agree with them or that I might be too much of a weiny to stick up to them... this is a rough one for me. It's rough to just be still and wait for God's command.
Friday, April 25, 2008
zip it
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7 comments:
I tagged you..simply because you crack me up!
Ha! You are nicer than I would have been. Simply because he had his hat cocked to the side with one hand on the stearing wheel and his seat back (which spells out gangster wanna be BAD attitude to me...) I wouldn't have let him in. So at least you are nice and expect nice in return. I don't even give them a chance. How judgemental am I?
You know I was thinking about what you said...why can't I just submit and let it go? Why do I have to prove that "they" can't take advantage of me?
I, too hate when people take advantage of my good nature.
So I can relate to how you're feelin'---it seems that everytime I give in to the road rage temptation...I have to repent and tell Jesus I'm sorry because He is my Lord and King, and that HE is the only one I bow down to...not my foolish, stinkin' pride (which is what that don't-you-dare-try-to-take-advantage-of-me thing is called...I think).
Hope my little monologue helps! It helped me just writing it!
Oh, Rachel, I have such a hard time with this one, too!!!!
I don't have an answer for you but I'll tell you what jumped out at me in what you read.
"But mostly, I want for them to know that I'm no naive little white girl that they can just walk all over."
It made me wonder why you would grant a stranger so much power.
If you figure out how to keep it zipped, let me know, OK?
Quick story that kind of helps me with this...sometimes. About a year ago I learned about a Hasidic tradition of praying the Psalm corresponding to your year of life. For an example apropos of this conversation, I'm now 38, so I pray the 39th Psalm. Here's how it starts:
I said I will take heed to my ways that I sin not with my tongue. I will keep my mouth with a bridle while the wicked is before me. I was dumb with silence.
This isn't easy, but like you, I'm working on it.
I wonder what would have happenned if you would have shouted, "Jesus loves you!" and how God might have kept that kicking around in his brain for the next several hours.
God loves you (me), and you (I) are more valuable to Him than anything - He gave up His Son so He could have a relationship with you (me). What this means to me is that it is all about Jesus. If I am surrendered to God and He is my all in all, it doesn't really matter what another person does. My self esteem is in Him. My needs are ultimatly met in Him.
I think the issues are about confession and surrender to God, allowing His Spirit to change you from the inside out. I used to be such a pharisee when I got behind the real. I had to learn to relax and let it go, and let God have that area of my life.
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