Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I'm so sorry

I feel like I'm going to puke

I'm so sorry.. God please forgive me. Help me to forgive myself. I can't even type
I can't think straight.

I have a good friend who's Sikh. He and I hit it off instantly about three years ago. He's probably old enough to be my dad and he acts like my dad most of the time. Damn I feel tremendously stupid.

He watched us adopt and knows my heart well - this life that God gave me spoke to him. He's asked me so many questions about Jesus and I KNEW that his heart was ripe. With pride he told me about, and introduced me to his son and his wife. We're friends, right?

After I got back from Liberia, I've felt busy and consumed with stuff here. I stopped reaching out but my heart knew that I ought to. I excused it. I excused my not telling him more about Jesus because I didn't have the time. But God knows my true motive.

My husband just called me and our friends 17 year old son died. Stabbed to death at the park. I SHOULD have done so much more. This regret is something FIERCE. I should have done more. It was his only child and that man loved him. Crazy loved him in a way that made me wish I had the same relationship with my own dad.

Things could have been different.
Would have been different.
if only...



EDIT: please see note here

6 comments:

Celeste said...

oh i'm so sorry rachel. don't blame yourself. in no way could this be construed as your fault.

Snafu Suz said...

You are not responsible for anyone's salvation. Don't create a burden for yourself that's not yours to bear. God knows his heart, and while you may or may not agree with this, I don't believe you have to be a Christian to be saved. Seeking God and being devoted to God will bring you closer to God, period. By the way you describe them this family clearly sounds like they are devoted to God. God knows that. The religion a person chooses to express their devotion to God isn't nearly as important as the sincerity of their heart. I don't believe a loving God would condem a person for practicing the "wrong" religion.

You did a good thing by reaching out to these people. Whether they converted to Christianity before this boy's tragic death or not, together you focused on your love for God. You have nothing to regret.

This boy is in God's hands; I am sure of it.

Danielle said...

I'm sorry too...

Praying for you.
D.

Andrea said...

I'm so sorry. I understand what you are saying, but not only are you not responsible for someone's salvation, you are also not responsible for the actions of the person who committed the crime. Your friend's dad is still alive and he needs Jesus now more than ever--to comfort and bring him peace. God ALWAYS gives us a second chance, an opportunity to redeem ourselves.

Chantel said...

i have been thinking and thinking about this since you posted...it's not your fault but andrea is right. he needs jesus more than ever now...you can't change what happened but maybe help them through it all. which i AM SURE you're doing already.

hang in there, love ya.

Anonymous said...

My friend,
My body is shaking and tears are falling, as the pain in your post sinks into me. Please be patient with your friend. I lost someone very close to me several years ago. When I received the news, all I could do was scream, "God, give her back to me!" When it didn't happen, I hated God, then decided he didn't exist. No God could allow such pain, right?
God was gentle and patient with me. A few weeks after her death, I pulled up to the toll road booth handing over my money. The toll man said my toll had been paid. He said a man ahead of me said to wait for the 11th car, tell the person the toll was paid, then give them this card. The only words on the card were, "God loves you." That was just the first of many times God gently reached out to me...
So, please be patient with your friend, he may not be able to hear about Jesus right now. Just stay near him with love, and be there when he is ready to hear.
God bless you, Rachel.
With love from Robin P.