Monday, December 17, 2007

I'm venting

I've been slammed lately and so haven't been posting.

Slammed with a beautiful restoration happening within my family, slammed with mourning with my sisters in Christ who are mourning, slammed with a recent onslaught of mental attacks from the enemy, slammed with activity and projects - but to sum it all up I feel slammed with a sort of helplessness.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bummed out. At all. It's almost like I'm in the eye of the storm (which, I might add, is a wonderful place to be!). For example, I spoke both on Saturday and Sunday to crowds of around 800-1000 people about how God is working in our lives through adoption. My stomach was tight and my palms were sweaty. It was a benefit concert put on by a large choral group in Olympia and when I was thanking them for giving their proceeds to further adoption support, I said "You guys ROCK."
Can a choral group ROCK?
I don't think so.
But what is so beautiful about the stress and the upset stomach is that I get to be a part of helping someone else. I get to testify about our growth as a family and thus our relationship with Christ. I get to be a part of peoples healing (I've had a number of adult men tell me very intimate stories of how they were raised in US orphanages and been able to show them compassion). I get to show others how much that God's love extends far beyond our own backyards and into the whole world. I get to be a signpost that says : Here's how we can help and grow and learn in Christ. I get to be an encouragement for others. I get to do the best that I can with what little I've got. I get to say, "If I can do this, trust me, so can you!"

I wish that we could sit down over coffee (if only I had a quarter for every time that I say that) and I could tell you about all of the unbelievably and beautifully broken people that I get to come into contact with and love on 'em. That the reason that I'm walking in the eye of this storm, rather than being thrashed around by it, is because of Jesus. I wish that the little table that we sat at together over coffee, would be in the eye of the storm. That you would get a brake from the madness that is so freakin' everywhere all of the time. That you would share with me about how your heart is doing, and I would share with you about how mine is doing. And we would laugh and cry and do our best together.
And so why do I feel helpless? I guess it's because I can't force anyone to take a breather. I can't force anyone to feel Jesus the way that I feel Him. I can't force anyone to read the signpost that says "All of this is for HIS glory." I can't make anyone experience this obscure and elusive feeling that I'm talking about. And sometimes, it just hurts to let people go. It hurts to watch them in the swirly tornado flying around and around while getting battered by the debris and by others who are there with them. It hurts to watch them put themselves through something that they so easily could avoid. It hurts to see them hurting.

I guess I need to work on letting the Holy Spirit work without getting in His way. It's hard for me to be quiet as Jesus was quiet. It's hard for me to shut up and let go of what I cannot control. It's hard for me to see prayer as an act of battle. But it's the next step, I think.
I'm ashamed to say that it should have been my first.

How elusive is that?
I guess it just feels good to write it out.


Anonymous said...

The prayer of a righteous (wo)man avails much.

It has taken me a really, really long time to see prayer as anything more than that thing you do for one another about two seconds after you say "I'l pray for you" (quickly followed by "Dear Lord, keep them safe, amen).

That said - I will be praying for you - thank you for being such a willing part of the storm!!!

Stephanie said...

You really inspire me..really.

Rebekah said...

Prayer is the key to peace. You are an amazing person. Im proud to know ya

Anonymous said...

Seriously, you did a FABULOUS job in front of almost 1,000 people! And you are riding this storm as a true lover of Jesus should. Imagine yourself the crazy surfer that goes out to surf during a hurricane, cause the waves are so big. Some of us stand on the beach and watch, others stay in their warm houses and hope the power doesn't go out. And other hop into the storm and ride that wave....(I wish I had some cool Hawaiian music to go with this comment!)

Euphoria said...

Stand firm girlfriend- stand firm!!!

Lisa said...

I need to re-read your post. The fact that you can talk in front of almost 1,000 people! Blows my mind...

Aly Cat 121 said...

Isn't Jesus the one "who lead by example"? I'm just saying, we can only do what we do. We can't do, what Jesus do. You never know who's watching. *wink*